A senior team leader I've enjoyed coaching for the past 3 months was chatting with me about improving the way he ran meetings with his key staff. This had been our main focus for coaching for weeks because he believed (and was subsequently proved correct ) that a small amount of focussed effort on creatively preparing these meetings would yield high results. During this particular conversation he was reflecting on the success he'd achieved by outlining his ingredients of the highly effective meeting, when he made the following comment: "somewhere somehow staff need a (safe) place where they can purge themselves of their frustrations."
That wonderful phrase struck a chord with me. Don't we all need some forum where we can "purge" ourselves of our gripes, disappointments, worries – and those things that are like stones in our shoes?
Last year, Monster Inc (a leading global careers and personnel agency) published a study designed to aid companies in maintaining both high productivity and high retention rates among their staff. See Retention Report . In it, they made the following comment:
"Having a realtime and continuous practise to monitor employee sentiment regarding their jobs is becoming a necessity in a workplace expected to become more competitive"
This flies in the face of two standard practises of workplaces: to maintain a code of silence (keep your thoughts and feelings completely to yourself); or to air your frustrations somewhere where the boss can't hear you and the problems can't be dealt with. Unfortunately these practises are often the natural effect of a culture created (maybe unintentionally) by management.
I was so excited to hear a manager speaking the way this team leader did. To allow and encourage staff to air it and talk it through – with some process attached and with a mechanism in place to follow-through on the issues – is forward thinking, empowering, courageous. It's already helping this man's team perform with higher morale energy and creativity.
Worth pondering, huh?
I played my first ever night of tennis last night. My exposure to the game has been limited to Australian Opens (watching them on telly not playing them) and watching my sons' tennis lessons.
"Sure I'm 40 and haven't played any sport since I was 17," I thought. "Sure I have back problems; sure I have never played a game before – why let those things stop me!"
Well I simply have two phrases that sum up my experience of playing against 5 people all experienced and fairly fit…
- "My legs, my legs, I CAN feel my legs!!"
- "I am hooked!"
Ever find that you've developed a shell around your heart? It may be a gruff exterior that doesn't let anyone close or a growing sense of bitterness about life in general. It may be self-protection stemming from a series of disappointments or just a mindset of negativity that robs life of its shine. My own case of Hardened Heart Disease often comes and goes with the ebb and flow of my responses to people and circumstances. I don't enjoy it and try to recognise its onset early so that I can reopen my soul to the joy of life and the needs of others. Interestingly, when I do, my own needs start getting met too. Here's my top ten "things" that melt my hardened heart and bring back my sensitivity, my sense of humour and my creative flow.
- Watching children at play.
- Counting my blessings.
- Going out for a long walk.
- Conversation with my wife over a glass of port.
- Journalling – writing my way out of a slump.
- Forgiveness and its cousin: assertiveness.
- Reading the Psalms as if they were written with me in mind.
- Talking stuff through with a chosen few friends who both support and shake me up.
- Comedy. Lots and lots of comedy.
- Seeking to understand when my first reaction is to judge…
These are the things that most commonly snap me out of it. (I was going to say "These are a few of my favourite things" but I think that line's been used). So what works for you?
In answer to the above question, I guess the answer is "It depends on our motives." My favourite 2 writers on the topic of setting boundaries (psychologists Cloud and Townsend) make a helpful distinction between selfishness and stewardship. In general stewardship is responsibility for taking good care of resources entrusted to us. For example, protecting the environment through recycling, conservation, regeneration, and restoration. Our time, our minds, our bodies, our abilities, our resources, our property and our emotions – these are all given to us for us to maintain and to develop further.
We can mismanage our personal resources in one of two ways: allowing harmful influences to come across the boundaries around our lives OR allowing the depletion of our personal resources. In this sense, it is not selfish to set limits with others; it's actually essential.
When I start feeling conflicted about setting limits with people, I ask myself questions like the following.
- When your neighbours ran out of space in their bins, would it be okay if they dumped their trash onto your backyard?
- Is it selfish to lock your front door at night?
That helps me reframe what's happening. If this person's asking me to do something for them that they can do for themselves, then the answer is a firm NO. If this person is using me in some way, then I can say "This is what you're doing. How about you stop?"
And finally my friend, I can't resist dropping a couple of questions-to-consider at the end here (mainly because I'm feeling the need to go away and consider them myself!).
- Where in your life do you feel like people are depleting or soiling your personal resources?
- How could you best set a limit with them while staying respectful of them as a human being?
"You must be willing to protect yourself and what you cherish, no matter what the cost." – Christopher Paolini (i wonder if he's related to the Australian Idol contestant Paulini??)
Your brother lost the last thing you loaned him. Now he's on the phone asking to borrow your car for a few days.
A lady you know wants to come over to talk. You know from past experience that she will not be interested in hearing about your recent experiences but will spend literally hours telling you about hers. She has some photos from her recent trip to show you.
At the shops, you've just bumped into that guy who never takes your advice but always tells you his problems. For months, every time to talk to him, he's been telling you about exactly the same situation that you believe is easily solved if he would just listen to your suggestions. He's just said "We should have lunch this week" and the scary thing is, you actually do have the time to do it.
Your boss has asked you to come in on the weekend and help him catch up on some work. It means missing your favourite social activity.
What would you do? WOuld you feel comfortable saying NO and even explaining why not? Would you say NO but make up a (bogus) excuse to cover it ("I have to take my dog to the airport!")? Would you say "NO I don't think so" but feel ashamed and "bad".
Or would you cave and let them have their way?
Why do you think so many of us would find it extremely difficult to say no to people when they make these kinds of requests? Why do you reckon we refrain from telling people that something they are doing is irritating or even hurtful to us?
I'm interested in your thoughts…
